was always so scared of breaking the rules
didn’t want to go to hell
or be sent out of the room<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was good at counting to ten
I quickly learned to tie my shoes
and I quietly gave in to wearing skirts
although it was the last thing I wanted to do<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I watched my friends steal things from corner shops
kept my hands close by my sides
I was a loyal girl, I kept my mouth shut
Just observed their sins with my wide eyes<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How do they do it?
What is okay?
I stay out of the way
Always out of the way<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Every now and then I would verbalise my questions
This isn’t fair is it?
Why are things this way?
Do you think if I cut all my hair off people would think I was a boy?
(they said no; they were wrong)
Why won’t the boys let me play? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I started getting older,
started taking their answers as gospel,
accepting things,
but also questioning the literal gospel
because I didn’t see me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I started getting taller and my body had ideas of its own.
Couldn’t play by the rules,
Couldn’t obey the word of god.
Or at least not the words of Leviticus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After years I gave in to the messages uncurling from my lips,
from my spine, from my eyes
Might not have been right
but also couldn’t be denied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So for a while I continued, living my life
somewhat in spite of myself
I had broken one rule so I tried
to make up for it with everything else.
The more people’s pride slipped away the harder I tried<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I tried, I tried, I tried<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ten years later I watched on,
open mouthed, arms out,
as my older brother died<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The rules didn’t work for him either. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I tried, I tried, I tried,
I was so very very tired<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Eleven years later time for something different
time I tried throwing caution to the wind
I take the little scared me by the hand
bring her along for the ride
I think of all the drugs, the sex, the rock and roll I never tried
I think about stealing things \u2013 could I maybe
take happiness from this life?
It feels like I can if I finally decide
that the rebellion starts now,
and it starts from inside<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
was always so scared of breaking the rules
\ndidn’t want to go to hell
\nor be sent out of the room
\n…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,7],"tags":[25,2,24,42,49],"class_list":["post-367","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-poetry","category-writing","tag-bodies","tag-diary","tag-love","tag-self-doubt","tag-youth"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/diary.katemcaleer.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/367","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/diary.katemcaleer.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/diary.katemcaleer.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/diary.katemcaleer.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/diary.katemcaleer.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=367"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/diary.katemcaleer.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/367\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":368,"href":"https:\/\/diary.katemcaleer.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/367\/revisions\/368"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/diary.katemcaleer.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=367"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/diary.katemcaleer.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=367"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/diary.katemcaleer.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=367"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}